Who Wants To Be A Vampire?
by Bonnie Rutledge
Summary: Xover between 'Forever Knight' and 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?' LaCroix hosts as ten lucky contestants compete for a prize that lasts forever.


  
Xover: Who Wants To Be A Vampire?(1/5)  
Copyright 2000  
By Bonnie Rutledge  
  
Based on a story suggested by Joe LaCour  
  
Neither 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?' nor 'Forever Knight' belongs to me. They   
belong to ABC and Sony, respectively. Before anyone freaks out, this fanfic contains   
absolutely no Regis.  
  
**********************************************************  
  
Disclaimer: This show was recorded before an undead audience.  
  
Contestant #1:  
  
Muffled whispers vibrated through the dark club. The guests and contestants were all   
excited, but for different reasons. Suddenly, the overhead lighting flashed to attention,   
washing the stage area of the makeshift studio with a layer of brightness. Dramatic,   
stress-inducing music burst from the sound system. The spotlights pulsed, then focused   
upon two antique, throne-like chairs carved out of oak and lined with dark red velvet.   
Between the seats was a marble-topped table, equally antique. On the table, the highly   
observant could pick out a golden, jeweled, chalice paired with a plastic cup. Only one of   
them contained water.  
  
From the shadows, an impressive figure appeared. Some said the host of this show was   
single-handedly responsible for saving Canadian television, but everyone agreed that he   
was definitely the one who had invented the monochromatic look - black suit, black shirt,   
black tie. He'd had it down cold in the Middle Ages.  
  
The host spoke, his voice smooth and accustomed to broadcast. "Good evening. I am the   
Nightcrawler, and welcome to the twelfth night of 'Who Wants To Be A Vampire?' The   
Raven is filled with anticipation tonight over which one of our ten contestants might be   
the next to play for a chance at becoming the Community's newest vampire. You will   
recall the rules of the game: the winner of our 'Fastest Fang' round will join me on stage   
in the hot seat, where I will ask them a series of questions of General Vampire   
Knowledge. For every four questions answered correctly, the contestant advances another   
level. Answer thirteen correctly, and the contestant becomes a vampire. Answer a   
question wrong, and..." LaCroix paused, sending the camera a hungry look. "Well, that's   
when things become quite interesting."   
  
LaCroix changed perspective so that he could speak directly into a different camera.   
"Our ten contestants have flown into Toronto from across Canada and the United States.   
They are..." He proceeded to list ten names and their current homeplace:  
  
Mary Sue Smith Bat Cave, North Carolina  
ScreedSub-Toronto, Ontario  
Nameless Faceless VictimNowhere, Texas  
Ivana BeontiviBrooklyn, New York  
Beauregard Pulte Mississauga, Ontario  
Old Man EndeceHemingway, Florida  
Jane DoeToronto, Ontario  
Priestess MuffalettaNew Orleans, Louisiana  
Rebecca LowellLos Angeles, California  
Nicholas B. KnightToronto, Ontario  
  
  
"There," LaCroix steepled his hands together after the camera flashed a view of the last   
contestant, who appeared troubled, and very, very confused. "Offer all of the contestants   
a healthy welcome and the best of luck on tonight's show!"   
  
The audience of The Raven offered up a spate of rapturous applause.  
  
"Now, contestants, if you look at your monitors, let's play our first 'Fastest Fang' round."  
  
The following question popped up on screen:  
  
Place the following units of liquid measure in order, from smallest to greatest:  
  
a. BODYb. SIP  
  
c. PINTd. TOO MUCH   
  
"My contestants, my children, your time is up. Let us examine the correct answer to the   
question, shall we? If you answered in the order 'b, c, a, d,' you gave the right answer.   
Which contestants answered properly and in the fastest time?"  
  
The display flashed up the list of names again, times listed by those who knew their   
vampire liquid measurements.  
  
Mary Sue Smith 5.40 seconds  
Screed6.98 seconds  
Nameless Faceless Victim2.95 seconds  
Ivana Beontivi  
Beauregard Pulte   
Old Man Endece4.32 seconds  
Jane Doe  
Priestess Muffaletta  
Rebecca Lowell  
Nicholas B. Knight  
  
"Nameless Faceless Victim!" LaCroix called. "You are the next contestant to take the hot   
seat!"  
  
Nameless Faceless Victim was a bit blank-expressioned joining LaCroix on stage. It was   
difficult to get any insight into this contestant's character from a simple once-over.   
LaCroix gestured toward the velvet and oak chair closest to the plastic cup, and Nameless   
Faceless Victim walked nondescriptly over to it and sat.  
  
"So..." LaCroix drawled after he had settled in his own chair. "You want to be a   
vampire."  
  
The contestant nodded silently.   
  
"Any particular fascinating reason?" LaCroix prodded.  
  
The contestant's head shook a 'no.'  
  
"Perhaps you wish to avenge some atrocity your employer committed at work - what do   
you do, Nameless?"  
  
The contestant's voice was medium-loud and androgynous in tone. "Some of this, some   
of that."  
  
"How illuminating. On that note, let us proceed with the play." The dramatic music   
ambushed them from all directions. Nameless Faceless Victim gave no reaction. "You   
will recall that you have three Lifelines, Nameless. At any time, you may elect to Ask the   
Audience, take a 50/50, or Phone a Faction. Any questions?"  
  
Nameless' head shook another 'no.'  
  
"Very well. Your first question on the way to being a vampire is this..."  
  
Human blood is the color  
  
a. EVIL PINKb. MELON  
  
c. REDd. LIME   
  
"Nightcrawler," Nameless said in an emotionless voice, "I'm going to have to go with 'c.   
RED.'"  
  
"Is that your *final* answer?"  
  
Nameless Faceless Victim nodded.  
  
The background music hovered in a pulsing pattern, drawing out the tension until   
LaCroix declared, "That is the right answer! Nameless, you are one step closer to being a   
vampire!"  
  
Most of the audience clapped and cheered, though a few let out groans of disappointment.   
  
"Twelve more questions to go," LaCroix continued. "You do realize, of course, if you   
were to answer a question wrong at this early stage, the studio audience would be   
inclined to drain you on the spot?"  
  
The contestant nodded.  
  
"Then without further ado, here is your second question..."  
  
Which of the following character names is spelled correctly?:  
  
a. SYDNEYb. DON  
  
c. JEANETTEd. TRACEY   
  
"Well, hmm...I've read it in fanfic, so it must be true. I'll go with 'a. SYDNEY,'"   
Nameless replied.  
  
"Is that your *final* answer?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
The music stilled.  
  
LaCroix chuckled. "How unfortunate, for that is a wrong answer. While the audience   
here at The Raven would obviously enjoy killing you for such a gross demonstration of   
stupidity..."   
  
There were snarls and hisses offstage, followed by a cry of protest from the direction   
of the waiting contestant pool that sounded suspiciously like Nick. "No!"  
  
"...but, most regrettably, this is a family show," LaCroix concluded. "Bloodbaths are   
unacceptable unless it's the Coliseum or cable programming. Instead, I shall have to   
make you forget that you were ever here. Look at me...thump-thump   
This...never...happened...thump-thump..."  
  
Nameless Faceless Victim looked pretty much the same whammied as before.   
"This...never...happened..." the unlucky contestant repeated, then wandered off the stage   
and out of the club.  
  
LaCroix rose to a stand and faced the camera once more. "Well, that first contestant was   
a disappointment - Nameless, Faceless, and now, rather Mindless. Shall we go on to our   
next 'Fastest Fang' round and pick a second contestant?"  
  
The audience cheered.  
  
*****************************************************************  
End of Contestant One  
  
Xover: Who Wants To Be A Vampire?(2/5)  
Copyright 2000  
By Bonnie Rutledge  
  
Based on a story suggested by Joe LaCour  
  
Neither 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?' nor 'Forever Knight' belongs to me. They   
belong to ABC and Sony, respectively. Before anyone freaks out, this fanfic contains   
absolutely no Regis.  
  
**********************************************************  
  
Disclaimer: This show was recorded before an undead audience.  
  
Contestant #2:  
  
"Very well, contestants," LaCroix instructed, "turn your attention to your monitors for   
our next lightning round question."  
  
The following query appeared on screen:  
  
Place the following methods of destroying a vampire in alphabetical order:  
  
a. FIREb. STAKE THROUGH HEART  
  
c. DECAPITATIONd. SUNLIGHT   
  
"My contestants, my children, you are out of time. Let us examine the correct answer to   
the question, shall we? If you entered the order 'c, a, b, d,' I am very proud. Which   
contestants answered properly and in the fastest time?"  
  
The display flashed up the list of names again, times listed by those who knew their   
alphabet.  
  
Mary Sue Smith 0.79 seconds  
Screed  
Ivana Beontivi6.84 seconds  
Beauregard Pulte 9.12 seconds  
Old Man Endece5.87 seconds  
Jane Doe8.35 seconds  
Priestess Muffaletta4.18 seconds  
Rebecca Lowell3.65 seconds  
Nicholas B. Knight3.39 seconds  
  
"Mary Sue!" LaCroix called. "You are the next contestant to take the hot seat!"  
  
"Aaaahhhhh!!! I can't believe it!" Mary Sue leapt out of her seat, bounced up and down,   
then tackled LaCroix in a huge bear hug. "I'm going to be a vampire! I'm going to be a   
vampire! I Luuuuuv YOU!!!!!!"  
  
LaCroix pried Mary Sue's arms from around his neck and deposited her in the hot seat.   
"Of course you do." She squealed with delight and preened as he took the chair opposite.   
"My, my," LaCroix commented. "Zero point seven nine seconds - that is a new record for   
the 'Fastest Fang' round."  
  
The contestant blushed. "I'm Mary Sue, you know. Stuff like that happens to me all the   
time. I can't help it. I'm just smarter and do things better than everyone else. People find   
me fascinating."  
  
"Indeed. I assume you are ready for your first question?"  
  
Mary Sue smiled broadly. "Sure! In fact, I bet I already know the answer - 'c.   
SQUIRREL'!!"  
  
LaCroix arched an eyebrow. "Is that your *final* answer?"  
  
Mary Sue fluttered her incredibly long eyelashes. "Absolutely."  
  
"And you are absolutely correct! 'SQUIRREL' is the right answer!"  
  
There were gasps of amazement and cheers from the audience. They liked her, really   
liked her. But, then, she was Mary Sue, so it was natural.  
  
"Are you ready for your second question?"  
  
"You can read it this time," Mary Sue said magnanimously.   
  
"Very well."  
  
If someone 'vamps out' what grows longer?:  
  
a. THEIR TEETHb. THEIR HEMLINE  
  
c. THEIR FEETd. THEIR SIG FILE   
  
Mary Sue giggled at some of the nonsense answers, then said confidently, "My final   
answer is going to be 'a. THEIR TEETH.'"  
  
"You are correct."  
  
The audience started a wave and began to chant, "Mary Sue! Mary Sue! We love you!   
Mary Sue!"  
  
"I can see where the Community may get used to having you around for a long time to   
come," LaCroix observed. "I am full of anticipation, myself. On to question three..."  
  
Which selection have I said is '...for breakfast, but only in the worst of times?:  
  
a. WHEATIESb. TOFU  
  
c. EGGSd. DOGS   
  
Again, good-natured laughter followed some of the most improbable answers. "I   
remember this from 'Blind Faith,'" Mary Sue said knowingly. "The answer is 'd.   
DOGS.'"  
  
"Is that your *final* answer, my dear?"  
  
Mary Sue nodded. "Final answer."  
  
"Congratulations, you now have three questions correct!"  
  
More cheering erupted, and privately half of the audience wished they were as smart and   
as pretty as Mary Sue. They also hoped that, after the show, she could give them some   
relationship advice, redecorate their homes, pick out their new wardrobes, tune up their   
cars, invent an amazing new chemical formula to remove bloodstains, and generally share   
more of that clever 'je ne sais quoi' that only Mary Sue seemed to have.  
  
"If you answer the next question correctly, Mary Sue, you will move on to the next   
level," LaCroix informed her.  
  
Mary Sue blushed at his penetrating gaze. "I'm just sooo excited!"  
  
"So are we, I assure you. Here is your question."  
  
If a vampire goes outside, it is most likely...:  
  
a. DAYTIMEb. NAPTIME  
  
c. NIGHTTIMEd. TEATIME   
  
Mary Sue sighed with relief. "I was almost worried that it would be a hard one. I'll have   
to go with 'c. NIGHTTIME' as my final answer."  
  
"And you would be..." LaCroix drew his pronouncement out, just to tease. "...correct!   
You have now completed the first level of questions. No 'This Never Happened' for you,   
my dear."  
  
The audience jumped out of their seats and gave each other high-fives. Mary Sue turned   
and waved to all of her new friends calling her name.  
  
"Before we go on," LaCroix commented, "I've heard that you brought someone with you   
tonight for moral support. Will you introduce us to your friend?"  
  
Mary Sue appeared slightly sheepish. "I don't know...you might not be too keen to see   
who it is. In her defense, she's just had a few 'issues' in the past. She's really a great   
friend. It's simply *amazing* how we find so much to talk about!"  
  
LaCroix frowned at this mystery. "No secrets here. Your good friend would be..." The   
spotlights wavered among the audience for a few seconds before centering on a youthful   
countenance. "Divia!"  
  
His Demon Daughter was wired for sound. "Hello, Father."  
  
"How did *you* come to know Mary Sue?" LaCroix asked incredulously.  
  
"Mary Sue can be friends with anybody. Surely you know that, Lucius." Divia fluffed up   
her hair. "Mary Sue gave me a makeover. Do you like it, Father?"  
  
Somehow, LaCroix blanched. "Ah, we are quite out of time for that charming sort of chit-  
chat. It's time for the next level of questions. You realize that they will be more   
challenging now, Mary Sue?"  
  
She nodded. "I'm looking forward to it."  
  
"Remember that you still have all three of your Lifelines."  
  
Mary Sue nodded.  
  
From the edge of the stage where the seats of the contestants-in-waiting stood, Nick   
Knight raised his hand. "I'd like to say something. I like you too much to let you make   
this mistake, Mary Sue. You don't want to be a vampire. Walk away while you still can."  
  
"Only contestants in the hot seat are allowed opinions, Nicholas," LaCroix interrupted   
harshly. "Bite your tongue." He sent a hypnotic smile toward Mary Sue. "She knows   
what she's doing. She's Mary Sue. Now, here is her fifth question..."  
  
Which of the following statements is 'Forever Knight' canon?:  
  
a. SCHANKE'S FATHER WASb. JANETTE LIKES BASEBALL  
A SEWER WORKER  
  
c. TRACY HAS A DOGd. NICK TOLD NATALIE  
'I LOVE YOU'   
  
"Oh my," Mary Sue gushed. "They do get a little tricky now. Mind if I talk this one   
through?"  
  
LaCroix waved an imperial hand. "Be my guest."  
  
"Well, I know for sure that Janette hates baseball, so that scratches 'b.' I'm also pretty   
sure that Tracy doesn't have a dog. The series never showed one in her apartment, and   
there was that episode where she was talking about buying a puppy for her nephew, not   
herself. I'm fairly confident that I can scratch off 'c.' as well. Hmm...was Schanke's   
father a sewer worker? Honestly, I don't remember it ever being mentioned. I know Myra   
sells Skin Pretty, but his father's job? I really think that one isn't canon. It's too obscure.   
I'd remember something like that," Mary Sue said stubbornly. "I guess that leaves Nick   
telling Natalie 'I Love You.' I can't think of the episode off the top of my head, but I've   
read it in fanfic a thousand times, so it must be true. I think that's it - 'd.'"  
  
"You do have your Lifelines if you have any doubts, Mary Sue," LaCroix warned.   
"Consider carefully."  
  
"No, I feel pretty strongly about this. It must be canon that Nick loves Nat. Besides, I'm   
Mary Sue. I've a gut feeling that I'm right."  
  
"So 'd.' is your *final* answer?"  
  
"Yes, that is my final answer."  
  
"I hate to disillusion you, Mary Sue, but you are horribly mistaken," LaCroix announced.   
"Fan fiction is the *only* place that Nicholas has told Doctor Lambert such a sentiment.   
He speaks no such phrase to her on the series. The correct answer is 'a.' Detective   
Schanke, however, confesses that his father was a sewer worker in the episode 'The Fire   
Inside.'"  
  
Mary Sue's eyes boggled. "What?! I can't believe it! Nick has to love Nat!"  
  
The audience groaned, then offered sympathetic words and good-byes. They were aware   
that the missed question meant that Mary Sue would be leaving their company soon.  
  
LaCroix explained her fate. "Difficult for some to accept, but true. Do not weep, my dear.   
Since you passed the first level of questions, you won't leave us with a gutted memory   
like Nameless Faceless Victim. You've won the right to be thrown into The Pit Of   
Condemned Bimbos!"  
  
Mary Sue brightened, then squealed with joy. "Oooo! That's almost as wonderful as   
becoming a vampire! When do I -?"  
  
Mary Sue's question was cut short as a trapdoor opened in the floor. The back of her hot   
seat suddenly dropped on hinges, and she toppled backward into the hole. There was a   
*thump!* sound, followed by the noise of heaving bosoms. The audience clapped as the   
trapdoor slowly shut, giving one last round of, "Mary Sue! Mary Sue! We love you!   
Mary Sue!"  
  
LaCroix stood and faced the camera once more. "Alas, my children, some vampires are   
not meant to be, no matter how freely consent is given. We will miss Mary Sue, and all   
that she stood for. Now, shall we choose another contestant to take the hot seat?"  
  
"Yeah!" The audience roared.  
  
*******************************************************************  
End of Contestant Two  
  
Xover: Who Wants To Be A Vampire?(3/5)  
Copyright 2000  
By Bonnie Rutledge  
  
Based on a story suggested by Joe LaCour  
  
Neither 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?' nor 'Forever Knight' belongs to me. They   
belong to ABC and Sony, respectively. Before anyone freaks out, this fanfic contains   
absolutely no Regis.  
  
**********************************************************  
  
Disclaimer: This show was recorded before an undead audience.  
  
Contestant #3:  
  
"The contestants thus far have not quite been up to the challenge." LaCroix commented.   
"Let us hope for greater success this round. Please turn your attention to the monitors, my   
children, for the next 'Fastest Fang' question."  
  
Put the following priceless objects in the order in which they appeared on 'Forever   
Knight'episodes, starting with the earliest...  
  
a. JADE CUPb. DA VINCI PORTRAIT  
  
c. JOAN OF ARC'S CROSSd. BLACK BUDDHA   
  
  
"My contestants, my children, you are out of time. Let us look at the correct order. The   
wise would have answered 'a, c, b, d.' Now, which one of you has speed to your   
advantage?"   
  
The display flashed up the list of names once more, times listed by those knowledgeable   
about pricey antiquities.  
  
Screed3.30 seconds  
Ivana Beontivi   
Beauregard Pulte   
Old Man Endece   
Jane Doe   
Priestess Muffaletta7.99 seconds  
Rebecca Lowell   
Nicholas B. Knight4.20 seconds  
  
There was a stunned silence in the studio. Finally, LaCroix released a resigned sigh,   
announcing in a bored tone, "Screed, come on down. You are the next contestant on   
'Who Wants To Be A Vampire?' to take the hot seat."  
  
The audience rumbled and shifted. Several people snuck out, deciding this would be a   
good time to take a snack break, or go to the little vampire's room to freshen up their   
appearances. One person clapped, casually supportive.  
  
Screed's satchel and cycle were propped behind his chair, so he gathered both and   
brought them along to the stage.  
  
"You don't need to bring those...things...along," LaCroix pointed out.  
  
"An' risk a five-fingerin' o' me spokes n' shiney-pretties?" the carouche snorted. "Aye   
wasn't brought across yesterday, thank yew very much. Aye keeps 'em where Aye kin   
sees 'em." Screed dropped into his chair, then bent down to shuffle through his bag.   
"'Sides, Aye brought me own refreshments." He produced a large baby food jar, filled to   
the brim with something red.  
  
LaCroix sneered. "How...proactive."  
  
Screed beamed, then his expression opened with a sudden thought. His hand lifted to his   
leather aviator cap. "Tha' gentle-mannerly thing wot tew doff me cap if'n Aye'm staying   
a while."   
  
The carouche did, revealing his shiny bald head beneath the bright lights. LaCroix   
motioned ruefully off-stage, and the makeup vamp rushed in with some emergency white   
powder for Screed's crown.  
  
Screed chuckled. "Tha' tickles!"  
  
The makeup vamp offered the carouche some standard issue eyebrow pencil, but Screed   
turned her down. LaCroix watched the entire production with displeasure.  
  
"Well," the master vampire said dismissively, "we all know who you are and what you   
do, Screed, so let's get this over with. Here's your first question."  
  
All vampires have a strong aversion to...  
  
a. ROSESb. GARLIC  
  
c. CORKSd. WHITE CLOTHING   
  
Screed frowned. "Wot? Yew don't 'ave tax forms on there? Never met a fangy bloke wot   
amore-d declarin' income."  
  
"Be that as it may," LaCroix said in a steely tone, "you must chose one of the four   
answers provided."  
  
"Aye picks 'b. GARLIC' then. Gives an awful, rash it does." He stood, hands dropping to   
the waistband of his trousers. "Wanna see?"  
  
"No."  
  
Screed shrugged and took his chair again. "Suit yourself, Creepercrawlery. 'b.'s still me   
finial answer."  
  
"And, big surprise," LaCroix feigned a yawn, "you are correct. Moving along..."  
  
In folklore, vampires are rumored to transform into which of the following animals?  
  
a. DONKEYb. CHIPMUNK  
  
c. BATd. VELOCIRAPTOR   
  
"Aye've 'ad a mate or two 'oo turned into an ass now and sooner. Does that count?"  
  
"So your final answer is 'donkey'?" LaCroix prompted, silkily hopeful for a mistake.  
  
Screed held up both palms in front of his chest. "'Old yer 'orses...Aye'm cogitatin'. Yewr   
donkey's got promise, but all of folklore's not met Bourbon yet, now 'ave they?   
Velociraptors - that's wot NBA players turn into, now innit it? And chipmunks - they're   
just not the scary, suck-ya-tew-tha-bone types, are they? Aye guess ol' Screed'll have tew   
say 'c. BAT' as 'is final answer."  
  
"Oh, well," LaCroix sighed. "Another question correctly answered. Perhaps the next one   
will challenge you."  
  
Which of the following does not repulse a 'Forever Knight' vampire?:  
  
a. A RAVEN BLADEb. A MENORAH  
  
c. A CROSSd. MOTORCYCLES   
  
"Tha's easy!" Screed crowed. "Vachonetti 'as a motorcycle, an 'e's not repulsive! Me   
final answer's 'd. MOTORCYCLES.'"  
  
"With such stunning leaps of logic at your disposal," LaCroix drawled, "how could you   
be wrong? That makes three correct answers. One more solved correctly will win you the   
right to be thrown into the Pit Of Condemned Bimbos. Shall we continue?"  
  
Screed gave a happy grin. "Can't say Aye'd 'ave a psychological problem wi' that."  
  
"Then here is your fourth question."  
  
Who out of the following does not play a musical instrument?:  
  
a. CAPTAIN COHENb. VACHON  
  
c. LACROIXd. NICK   
  
LaCroix caught Screed trying to peek over his shoulder at Knight for a klew. He   
implemented his General Voice. "Face forward, sailor! Hints are strictly forbidden,   
unless you choose to use one of your Lifelines..."  
  
"Yew won't even spot me a wee whisper in tha' ear?" Screed leaned closer, encouraging   
LaCroix into a private tete-a-tete. "Just a little ssh'll do. Come on, mate. Piccolo or not to   
piccolo - tha' 'tis tha' question."  
  
Seeing LaCroix's stony stare, Screed let out a sigh. "You'd 'ave squealed iffin me name   
was Mary Sue!"  
  
"But it is not. Answer the question, Screed."   
  
"Aye want to use one o' the Lifers - 50/50 me proper-loike."  
  
"Very well. Two of the wrong answers will be removed."  
  
Who out of the following does not play a musical instrument?:  
  
a. CAPTAIN COHENb. VACHON  
  
  
  
"Hee!" Screed cheered. "Aye was lucky there! Everydroog knows V-man loves 'is   
guitar!"   
  
"Yes. Lucky," LaCroix agreed coldly. "Someone will pay for that."  
  
"That means that 'a.' must be the ticket. Sailor like me - should've known it was tha'   
Cap'n."  
  
"Is that your *final* answer?"  
  
"Weren't you payin' attention?"  
  
LaCroix growled.  
  
"Alroight, alroight. I'll echo ya - That's me final answer."  
  
"And, most regrettably, you have chosen the right answer yet again. You have passed the   
first level of questions with two Lifelines left. I suppose we should greet the guest you   
brought along for moral support. I trust this person is not Divia?" LaCroix asked.  
  
"Now tha's a girl who looks loike she happys a good scrapple, but Aye brought me mate,   
Vachon."  
  
The spotlights scanned the audience, landing on the Spaniard, who wasn't paying too   
close attention. He was studying a drink umbrella intently as he twirled it between one   
thumb and index finger. At the sudden onslaught of light, Vachon blinked, squinted, then   
shielded his eyes with one hand as he stared into the camera. "What?"  
  
"We were discussing how you were here to support your friend Screed's endeavor,"   
LaCroix explained.  
  
Vachon shrugged. "You know me. Always rooting for the underdog. I was kind of   
hoping Nameless Faceless Victim would come out on top, too."  
  
"'Ey!" Screed complained. "Who yew callin' barky? Aye'm the guy wi' *UnderRoos,*   
thank you very much."  
  
"Whatever. Anyway," Vachon continued, "I'm surprised he even got on the show. It's   
not like the Community to ever let a poor carouche play in their vampire games."  
  
Screed motioned to the makeup vamp. His nose looked a little rosy.  
  
"Indeed," LaCroix agreed with the Spaniard. "This has been a most disturbing   
aberration."  
  
Screed was now sipping from his baby food jar. "ABBA-ration? They're me fav-rite band   
as well!" He began to sing. "Voulez-vous...uh-huh!"   
  
"Obviously, we should continue immediately with the questions. Here is number five."  
  
The license plate of Nicholas Knight's Cadillac reads...  
  
a. 'ANGSTY'b. 'NDB-1228'  
  
c. '35H-MV6'd. '81KILO'   
  
"Wot? Anudder query on the bleary Defective? Don' Aye get a freebie fer good   
behavior?"  
  
"No. What is your answer?"  
  
"Hmph. Aye'm gonna Lifeline it. Phone A Faction."  
  
"Which person on your list would you like to consult?"  
  
"Well, I only have one palsey with a phone other than Vachon, an' Aye blew that choice   
bringin' 'im 'ere, now didn' Aye? Guess Aye'm ringin' up Babyshoes."  
  
"Selected from a field of one - there you have it. We will have to wait a moment while   
Janette connects us with Detective Vetter via the Raven's phone."  
  
The camera flashed to capture Janette poised on a stool by the bar, holding a mobile to   
her ear. After a moment, she rose and walked onto the stage, passing the phone to   
LaCroix. "She sounds groggy..." Janette warned.  
  
LaCroix smoothly progressed with his introduction. "Tracy Vetter? This is the   
Nightcrawler, of 'Who Wants To Be A Vampire?'"  
  
There was the sound of fumbling on the other end, as though maybe Tracy had dropped   
her own phone. "Huh? What? I'm not buying anything."  
  
"I'm here with your friend Screed, and he's doing rather well...considering he is a lesser   
class of the undead. He has advanced to the level of being thrown into the Pit Of   
Condemned Bimbos!"  
  
"Is this a prank call?"  
  
"Now I will pass the phone to Screed, and he will have thirty seconds to ask you a   
question..."  
  
As soon as LaCroix handed him the receiver, Screed began talking, "Tracy, you kow-tow   
Defective Nicky, wot bein' 'is partner an' all, roight?"  
  
"Screed? Is that you? Do you know what time it is? Some people have to sleep, you   
know. I am not giving you money, and I am not giving you anything for the swap meet.   
I'm not giving you so much as a ratty Tic-Tac. So there. And what the hell does this have   
to do with Nick?!"  
  
"Aye need yew ta parlay the tag on 'is transportation. Is it 'ANGSTY'?"  
  
"What? Is Nick angsty? Yah, I guess so, but he's a good partner and he backs me up.   
Hey! Are you sure this isn't a prank call? Did Vachon put you up to this? You tell him   
that -"  
  
The line went dead as Janette swiped the phone away and cut the connection. "Time's   
up," she said before meandering back to the bar.  
  
"Well, well...that certainly was illuminating," LaCroix drawled. "Have you narrowed   
down your answer, Screed?"  
  
"No. Aye guess Aye'll have to use me last Lifeline an' Ask tha' Audience."  
  
"Very well. Patrons of The Raven, please use your keypads to select an answer for the   
carouche, a correct one if you so choose."  
  
The results flashed up on screen, giving '35H-MV6' the majority with 52 percent.  
  
LaCroix appeared displeased. "It seems several people believe the answer 'c.' is   
significant."  
  
"Tha' audience is usually roight, so Aye'll be brandin' that me final answer," Screed   
decided.  
  
"You would be correct again," LaCroix said fatalistically. "It seems there is no getting rid   
of you. You are out of Lifelines, however. Keep that in mind as we proceed to question   
six."  
  
How many quarts of blood are in the average human body?:  
  
a. 6b. 8  
  
c. 10d. 12   
  
"Even a carouche knows that. Aye've sipped me a girl or two in me day." He thumped   
his chest proudly. "Quoite a way with tha' ladees ol' Screed has. Yew can drain round   
about six quarts minus your spills and dribble. Me final answer's 'a.'"  
  
"That is correct."  
  
Enough time had passed that the vampires who had vacated the audience on various   
errands had begun to return. They were amazed to find the carouche still on stage. They   
were astounded to realize that he had surpassed even Mary Sue in question-answering   
skills. Slowly, but surely, Screed began to capture the hearts of audience members   
everywhere. He even got his own special chant:  
  
"Screed! Screed! He's what we need! Screed! Screed! He's what we need!"  
  
The carouche shook his hands in the air Rocky-style to the soundtrack of their cheers.   
Preferring to nip this appalling scene in the bud, LaCroix delved straight into question   
seven.  
  
The Spanish word 'evadido' translates in English as...:  
  
a. EVADEDb. INVADED  
  
c. EVICTEDd. DIVIDED   
  
"Aye'm a bit o' tha' linguist. Yew might 'ave reconnaissanced," Screed said with false   
modesty.  
  
"Oh, I hadn't noticed," LaCroix intoned sarcastically.  
  
"That's why Aye know drum-tightly tha' the 'evaded' is 'EVADIDO.' 'A.' is me   
finiteable answer."   
  
"Seven questions right for Screed. Shall we attempt number eight?"  
  
Which of the following is not a city in Transylvania?:  
  
a. TIMISOARAb. NOVI SAD  
  
c. TARGU MURESd. CLUJ-NAPOCA   
  
"Yew tryin' tew stump me with geography? You think I'm American or somethin'?   
'NOVI SAD' ain't in Transylvania, it's Serbian. Final-like."  
  
Even LaCroix's gaze was begrudgingly gaining admiration for Screed's perseverance.   
"Correct. It seems a fire has lit underneath our carouche friend."  
  
Screed suddenly looked panicked. He glanced down between his legs, then under his   
chair. "Where? When you called this tha' 'hot seat,' Aye thought you were being   
metaphorical."  
  
"I was," LaCroix assured him.  
  
"Whew."  
  
"You've now passed the second level of questions. You are only five away from   
becoming a vampire."  
  
"Or getting a million," Screed said knowingly.  
  
"No," LaCroix corrected him. "Becoming a vampire, though how it will work in your   
case is a bit of a mys-"  
  
"No, wait a tick," Screed interrupted. "Aye'm already a carouche, so becoming a   
vampire's loike - wot? - puttin' me in Armani-pani an' sendin' me to Paris? No merci   
very mucho. Aye want wot's they do in contests when tha' prize is completely useless -   
cash equivalent. Dinero equal vampiro."  
  
LaCroix tried to reason with him. "But think of the prestige, think of the Community's   
acceptance. Even now, they are chanting for you as their champion."  
  
"Screed! Screed! He's what we need! Screed! Screed! He's what we need!" echoed   
throughout The Raven.  
  
Screed snorted and waved them away. "Are you gonna pay me or not?"  
  
"Not," LaCroix bit out. "Becoming a vampire would be honor enough."  
  
Screed stood, hefting his satchel and straightening his bike. "Aye'm walking away then.   
'Onor don't fund a droog's trip ta' Vegas. 'Ey! You said Aye passed tha' second level o'   
questions. What's that about?"  
  
"Passing the second level wins the contestant the right to be a carouche," LaCroix recited   
stiffly.  
  
"Well, that's all roight then! Tha' carouche's life's fer me!" Screed exclaimed happily,   
hopped on his bike, and pedaled off-stage.  
  
The audience became very quiet. When the time came that the likes of a carouche didn't   
want to become a vampire, well...  
  
...that meant it was time for another 'Fastest Fang' standoff.  
  
****************************************************************  
End of Contestant Three  
  
Xover: Who Wants To Be A Vampire? (4/5)  
Copyright 2000  
By Bonnie Rutledge  
  
Based on a story suggested by Joe LaCour  
  
Neither 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?' nor 'Forever Knight' belongs to me. They   
belong to ABC and Sony, respectively. Before anyone freaks out, this fanfic contains   
absolutely no Regis.  
  
**********************************************************  
  
Disclaimer: This show was recorded before an undead audience.  
  
Contestant #4:  
  
"Remaining contestants, we have time for one more 'Fastest Fang' round," LaCroix   
announced. "Turn you attention to your monitors..."  
  
Put the following actors in chronological order based on when they first portrayed   
vampires, starting with the most recent...  
  
a. BELA LUGOSIb. WILLIAM MARSHALL  
  
c. MAX SCHRECKd. CHRISTOPHER LEE   
  
"My contestants, my children, your time is up. Did any of you divine the correct order of   
'b, d, a, c'? I see that some of you did. Excellent."  
  
The display flashed up the list of names once more, times listed by those who watched a   
lot of classic horror movies.  
  
Ivana Beontivi15.00 seconds   
Beauregard Pulte 13.96 seconds  
Old Man Endece   
Jane Doe   
Priestess Muffaletta  
Rebecca Lowell17.55 seconds  
Nicholas B. Knight12.28 seconds  
  
"What a surprise. I had no idea this was coming," LaCroix said with a wicked grin.   
"Congratulations, Nicholas. You are the next contestant to take the hot seat on 'Who   
Wants To Be A Vampire?'"  
  
Nick begrudgingly trudged on stage to the sound of the audience's applause. "Do I get to   
speak now?" he demanded.  
  
LaCroix waved a hand to usher him on. "Certainly, Nicholas. Please...express yourself."  
  
"I would just like to make one thing clear before I go - this was all a mistake. I thought   
the name of the show was 'Who *Doesn't* Want To Be A Vampire?' It's shocking what   
you are putting people like Mary Sue and Nameless Faceless Victim through, all for your   
own amusement, and I won't be a party to it. Goodbye."  
  
When the vampire detective looked ready to turn and walk away, LaCroix halted him   
with a cautioning tone. "Not so fast, Nicholas. You know very well that walking away   
from any game comes with its consequences."  
  
Nick's expression grew suspicious. "What are you talking about, LaCroix?"  
  
"I am simply pointing out that, if you were to leave now, the rules of the game would put   
you in the same classification as our Nameless Faceless Victim. While you have certainly   
survived a massive memory cleansing before," LaCroix taunted, "wouldn't another bullet   
in the brain be terribly inconvenient? How would you explain it this time, without having   
to move on to a new life?"  
  
Nick froze. "You can't be serious. You'd shoot me in the head if I don't play along with   
your stupid game?"  
  
"Rules are rules, Nicholas," LaCroix said smugly.  
  
Angrily, Nick took the hot seat. "That's ironic coming from you, LaCroix. You're the one   
who always breaks them. Let's get this spectacle over with."  
  
"How reasonable of you, Nicholas. Here is your first question."  
  
Which is the most effective place to stake a vampire?  
  
a. NAVELb. HEART  
  
c. KNEECAPd. ELBOW   
  
Nick scoffed. "Even a child would know these simplistic early questions."  
  
LaCroix swiftly countered the criticism. "Then you should have no trouble choosing the   
proper response, since you act like a -"  
  
"'B,'" Nick snapped. "The answer is 'b.'"  
  
"Is that your *final* answer?" LaCroix asked deliberately.  
  
"Yes," Nick said impatiently.  
  
"My, my, Nicholas, you have proved you have at least a child's intellect." The audience   
clapped. "I suppose you wish to rush on to the second question?"  
  
"Do I have a choice?"  
  
LaCroix chuckled. "There is always a choice. It is simply not necessary that it be a   
pleasant one. Question number two."  
  
Which form of cure has Nicholas not pursued?  
  
a. ACUPUNCTUREb. THE ABARAT  
  
c. LIDOVEUTERINE-Bd. VOODOO   
  
"You're enjoying this, aren't you?" Nick said, his expression dark. "Mocking all my   
attempts to regain my humanity - is that what this is about? I should have expected such   
pettiness from you."  
  
"Now, now, Nicholas. I wouldn't dream of taking credit for all of your failures," LaCroix   
said. "I trust this means that you know the correct answer."  
  
"Of course. It's 'VOODOO.'" Nick's features became contemplative. "Hmm...I wonder   
if that might *really* be the ans-"  
  
LaCroix swiftly broke into that line of reasoning. "Is that your *final* answer?"  
  
Nick, still distracted, nodded vaguely. "Yeah."  
  
"Correct. Onto a new topic, here is question three."  
  
Which year of Cadillac purportedly had the most trunk space?:  
  
a. 1952b. 1953  
  
c. 1962d. 1963   
  
Nick rolled his eyes. "Please. Aren't these questions supposed to *increase* in difficulty?   
It's '1962,' final answer."  
  
"That makes three correct responses thus far. I don't suppose you will have trouble with   
this one, either."  
  
Which of these settings was not featured in one of Nicholas' episode flashbacks?:  
  
a. SOUTH CAROLINAb. SPAIN  
  
c. SUDANd. SOUTH KOREA   
  
Nick's eyes glazed over. Apparently he was having a deja-flashback. After a while, he   
floated back and said, "Okay - we were in South Carolina when we spent the day in that   
cabin that was being used by the Underground Railroad to hide escaped slaves. We were   
in Spain during the Inquisition, and you arranged that whole wager with Thomas Monroe   
in the Sudan." Nick's eyes sparkled accusingly. "I don't remember anything about   
'SOUTH KOREA,' so that is my final answer."  
  
"Well remembered, Nicholas. You now have four questions correct," LaCroix declared.  
  
"So that means I've passed the first level," Nick concluded triumphantly, rising from the   
hot seat. "I'm out of here. I won't say it's been fun, LaCroix."  
  
"How quickly he forgets," LaCroix told the audience, seeking their commiseration. "The   
rules, Nicholas, you are overlooking the rules of the game again."  
  
Nick paused and sighed mulishly. "What is it now?"  
  
"While you rightly assume that, in passing the first level of questions, the threat of an   
erased memory no longer hangs over your head, you have failed to recognize that the   
second level does not entail skipping merrily back home."  
  
Nick dropped heavily back into the hot seat as he had a fatalistic realization. "The Pit Of   
Condemned Bimbos."  
  
"Yes..." LaCroix said encouragingly. "And while you certainly have no cause to fear   
personal harm in the pit, there certainly is the question of your self-imposed fast where   
delicious mortals are concerned. How long would it take being locked up with Mary Sue   
and a bevy of beauties, I wonder, before you gave into the temptation to taste them? How   
much self-control do you have, Nicholas?"  
  
The prospect tormented him. "LaCroix, stop the game! This is insane!"  
  
"Nonsense. It is a simple choice. Walk away, if that is what you want, and submit to your   
prize. Otherwise, you will have to continue with the questions, won't you?"  
  
Nick pursed his lips together moodily. "All right. On with the questions."  
  
"Of course, but first, we have to see which of your friends you brought to the show." The   
spotlights wavered over the audience and came to rest on an empty chair.  
  
"I didn't bring anyone," Nick stated.  
  
"What?" LaCroix pretended a serious case of disbelief. "Not even Detective Schanke?"  
  
"I couldn't exactly bring him since Tracy's already appeared in the story," Nick said   
defensively. "Besides, he already had plans. Myra got on some big game show in   
America, and he flew with her to New York to be in *her* studio audience."  
  
"And Doctor Lambert?" LaCroix was enjoying this topic too much to let it go.  
  
"She wouldn't come," Nick mumbled.  
  
"I beg your pardon - would you repeat that?"  
  
Nick shot his sire a stubborn look. "I said 'she wouldn't come.' Natalie insisted that I   
shouldn't trust a game show to regain my mortality. She said it sounded like another   
empty promise of a quick fix. I guess I should have listened to her," Nick said morosely.  
  
"How touching. On that note, let us move on to question five."  
  
Which drink has not been mentioned in a 'Forever Knight' episode?  
  
a. CHIANTIb. PINA COLADA  
  
c. ESPRESSOd. TEA   
  
"Finally, something I have to actually think about," Nick commented. "I remember   
Schanke complaining once when a homicide broke into a dinner of pasta primavera and   
Chianti, so that's off the list. The Skin Pretty sunscreen I got from Myra smells like pina   
colada - at least I heard that it did often enough. Tea - well, Nat said once that I could   
take something as simple as drinking tea and turn it into a gigantic, theatrical production.   
I guess that leaves 'ESPRESSO.' I remember lots of coffee and some cappuccino, but no   
espresso."  
  
"Is that your *final* answer?"  
  
"Yes, I guess so."  
  
"Congratulations, Nicholas - you have answered five questions correctly. Moving along   
to number six..."  
  
Which poet have I not quoted in a 'Forever Knight' episode?  
  
a. SHAKESPEAREb. SAMUEL TAYLOR COLERIDGE  
  
c. JOHN DONNEd. ROBERT HERRICK   
  
"Well, assuming that your online nickname doesn't substantiate a reference to 'Gather ye   
rosebuds while ye may'..." Nick began.  
  
"Oh, yes," LaCroix allowed, "assuming that. I've never been one to make much of   
virgins or time."  
  
"...'d.' would have to be the answer. You quoted 'Hamlet,' 'Death, thou shalt die,' and   
'Water, water everywhere.' I'll have to go with 'ROBERT HERRICK.'"  
  
"Why, Nicholas, I am pleased to know that you were listening. That brings the tally up to   
six. Here is your seventh question."  
  
Which episode featured Janette's 'magic earring'?:  
  
a. I WILL REPAYb. A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH  
  
c. CHERRY BLOSSOMSd. STRANGER THAN FICTION   
  
Nick's features took on a coat of intense concentration. "Magic earring...well, when I   
visited her here at The Raven during 'I Will Repay,' one of her earrings kept   
disappearing and reappearing during our conversation. That could be considered pretty   
magical."  
  
"Indeed. Is that your *final* answer?"  
  
Nick thought a few weighty seconds more, sparing a brief glance of annoyance at the   
grating background music. It was really making it hard to concentrate. "Yes. That's going   
to be my final answer."  
  
"Well done, Nicholas. You are correct."  
  
The audience clapped enthusiastically. They recognized how difficult it was for many   
men to remember the details when women accessorized.  
  
"One more question, and you will escape The Pit Of Condemned Bimbos. Shall we   
continue?"  
  
"Absolutely. Get on with it."  
  
"I will, but first, we must take a short break. "Who Wants To Be A Vampire?' will be   
right back after this..."  
  
***************************************************************  
Pause For A Commercial  
See Part Five for more of Contestant Number Four  
  
Xover: Who Wants To Be A Vampire? (5/5)  
Copyright 2000  
By Bonnie Rutledge  
  
Based on a story suggested by Joe LaCour  
  
Neither 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?' nor 'Forever Knight' belongs to me. They   
belong to ABC and Sony, respectively. Before anyone freaks out, this fanfic contains   
absolutely no Regis.  
  
**********************************************************  
  
Disclaimer: This show was recorded before an undead audience.  
  
Rated C for Cheesy Content  
  
Contestant #4 Continued:  
  
"Welcome back," LaCroix said liquidly to the camera. "If you are just joining us,   
Nicholas B. Knight is our latest contestant to take the hot seat. He has thus far answered   
seven questions correctly, six away from the final prize, and he has retained all three of   
his Lifelines. Well done, Nicholas."  
  
"You've kept me waiting long enough, LaCroix. Let's get on with it."  
  
"You heard our eager contestant, audience, people at home. He wants to get on with it.   
Here is question number eight."  
  
Which of the following theatrical releases did not feature an actor from 'Forever   
Knight'?  
  
a. SPEEDb. A COOL, DRY PLACE  
  
c. ROBOCOPd. THE MATRIX   
  
Nick appeared unsure. "Uhm...most of the movies I watch are black and white. Certainly   
most of them were made before 1980. I don't think I've seen any of these. It's strange,   
though, but I feel an eerie kinship with the 'ROBOCOP' answer. Still, I can't afford to   
get this wrong and end up in The Pit Of Condemned Bimbos. I want to use one of my   
Lifelines and Ask the Audience."  
  
"That is your right under the rules of the game," LaCroix trilled. "Patrons of The Raven,   
please use your keypads to select an answer for Nicholas. Let us hope the club clientele is   
more current on their films than you."  
  
The results flashed up on screen, giving 'ROBOCOP' the majority with 81 percent.  
  
LaCroix appeared pleased. "Ah, it seems that following your instincts would not have led   
you astray. You would do well to keep that in mind, Nicholas."  
  
"Fine. Make 'c.' my final answer."  
  
"Good for you. You have now passed the second level, forsaking The Pit, and you have   
two Lifelines left."  
  
This time, Nick wasn't so quick to move from the hot seat. Instead, he considered the   
consequences of walking away. "Am I correct in assuming that you have some argument   
that will convince me to stay?"  
  
"Of course not, Nicholas. Who is arguing? You know what will happen if you leave."  
  
Nick nodded. "I've won the right to be a carouche."  
  
"Yes. Considering your imposed diet of steer blood, you're well on your way already."  
  
"That doesn't make me a carouche," Nick challenged.  
  
"It doesn't?" LaCroix raised an eyebrow. "Then I suppose we will have to do something   
else. Let me see...what was it I told our friend Screed about the benefits of being a   
vampire? Ah, yes...the prestige...the Community's acceptance. You realize, Nicholas, that   
despite your persistence in searching for a cure and your anomalous behavior compared   
to your brethren, you have fared quite well thus far in that respect. You are received here   
with open arms, for example. What if that was to change? What if you were truly   
demoted to the status of a carouche in the eyes of the Community? Consider what that   
would mean."  
  
"Screed seemed content enough to walk away," Nick pointed out.  
  
"There is that," LaCroix said good-naturedly. "But the world of the carouche is the only   
one Screed has ever known. Not so you. Can you tolerate the entire Community   
persecuting you for your lifestyle?"  
  
"There is that," Nick countered, "but I have survived your persecution for some time.   
What are a few more black clouds on my horizon?"  
  
"A fair point of debate," LaCroix agreed. "I suppose the root of your decision will lie in   
just how prejudiced *you* are against carouche. Can you lower yourself completely to   
being one, Nicholas? Which is it? Remain or walk away?"  
  
The Raven pulsed with tense silence as Nick came to a decision. He wouldn't meet   
LaCroix's meaningful gaze as he said, "Ask me another question."  
  
"As you wish, Nicholas."  
  
Which sport has not been discussed on 'Forever Knight'?:  
  
a. BOWLINGb. PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING  
  
c. HOCKEYd. BASKETBALL   
  
"'BASKETBALL,'" Nick said carelessly, not bothering to offer a reason for his choice.   
"'BASKETBALL' is my final answer."  
  
"Yes." The audience clapped as LaCroix confirmed Nick's success. "You now have nine   
answers correct, four questions away from being a vampire."  
  
Nick continued to look away. He felt miserable that he couldn't simply leave, that after   
everything, the approval of people like LaCroix and Janette still mattered. Just like when   
he'd had the momentary taste of freedom with the Lidoveuterine-B, he wanted Janette to   
rejoice with him, not banish him from her life. He wanted LaCroix to acknowledge his   
victory, not ignore him. He was torn and shamed. He hesitated to accept the status of   
carouche, yet he knew that, by remaining in the game, he was condoning the life of a   
vampire.  
  
"Are you ready for number ten?" LaCroix prompted.  
  
Nick squeezed his eyes shut and waved him on.  
  
"Excellent. Here it is."   
  
How many red blood cells are in the average cubic millimeter of human blood?:  
  
a. 5 HUNDREDb. 5 THOUSAND  
  
c. 5 MILLIONd. 5 TRILLION   
  
Nick continued to be silent.  
  
"Come, Nicholas," LaCroix charged after several minutes. "Surely you know the answer   
to this."  
  
The contestant seemed to be drifting. After a delay of several more minutes of vacuum,   
he offered in a lackluster tone, "The answer's '5 MILLION.'"  
  
"You found your voice. I was wondering if you were trying to send your response over   
our family bond, and your skills were sadly out of practice," LaCroix chided. "Is that   
your *final* answer?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Splendid. You now have ten questions correct. Since you wasted so much time with it,   
let us segue immediately into number eleven."  
  
Which of the following vampires regrets preying on humans for their blood and wants   
to repay society for his sins?  
  
a. LUCARDb. AMILYN  
  
c. MARKOd. ANGEL   
  
This broke through Nick's haze. He sat up straight and finally met LaCroix's eyes again   
to make a perplexed demand. "That's me. Why isn't my name on that list?"  
  
"Because half the questions have featured you already. Getting greedy, are we,   
Nicholas?"  
  
"But that's a description of me. I'm the answer," Nick insisted stubbornly.  
  
"Apparently not."   
  
"But I've never heard of these people! Are you telling me there really is another vampire   
out there like me?"  
  
"He certainly broods as much as you do," LaCroix admitted.  
  
Nick's attention was arrested. "This is incredible." He shook his head. "I have no idea   
who it is. Give me the 50/50 to narrow it down."  
  
"If you really think it will help, two of the wrong answers will be removed."  
  
The monitor now read:  
  
Which of the following vampires regrets preying on humans for their blood and wants   
to repay society for his sins?  
  
b. AMILYN  
  
d. ANGEL   
  
Nick frowned. "'Amilyn'? Isn't that a character in 'Star Wars'? There aren't any   
vampires in 'Star Wars,'" Nick said with a fair amount of certainty, then his face   
scrunched up in doubt once more. "Are there?"  
  
"As delightful as your confusion is, Nicholas, I do need an answer," LaCroix urged.  
  
"I don't have one. I need to use my last Lifeline if I'm going to find out who this vampire   
is."  
  
"Ah...you wish to use your Phone A Faction option. Very well. Who shall Janette call?   
From Screed's experience, I suggest you avoid Detective Vetter."  
  
"I want to talk to Natalie. Maybe she has some idea. Then again, if she did, why wouldn't   
she tell me? Natalie wouldn't do that."  
  
"Well, while Nicholas debates with himself over the wisdom of his decision," LaCroix   
announced for the audience's benefit, "Janette will put us in touch with the good doctor."  
  
Janette was engaged in an animated conversation as she mounted the stage. Giving   
LaCroix the phone, she explained, "I had to tell Natalie what was going on to get her to   
stay on the line. I don't think she's too happy with either of you."  
  
LaCroix joined the call using his most charming tone. "Hello, Doctor."  
  
"LaCroix," Natalie responded in a disgusted voice. "I should have known you were   
behind this when Nick started talking about a game show that would cure him. What I'd   
like to know is how 'Who Wants To Be A Vampire?' got mistaken for 'Who Doesn't   
Want To Be A Vampire?' Can you explain that?"  
  
"Alas, in this age of advanced technology, we are still subject to communication   
breakdowns."  
  
"Yeah, right," Natalie sniffed doubtfully.  
  
"I am preparing to put Nicholas on the line. Be aware that he will have only thirty   
seconds to talk to you."  
  
"That's okay, because, you know, I'm feeling pretty speechless right now."  
  
LaCroix handed Nick the mobile. "Hi, Nat. Sorry to bother you like this, but I need your   
help on a question."  
  
"My God, Nick! You're actually *playing*? What is the matter with you? Why don't you   
just walk away? Don't give into LaCroix!"  
  
Nick awkwardly shifted the phone against his ear. "Nat...it's not that simple."  
  
"Of course it is. Either you want to be a vampire or you don't. If you don't, I don't care   
what LaCroix is threatening you with, what good excuse is there to stay?"  
  
"Well...this question is about another vampire wanting to repay society for his sins. If we   
knew who he was, maybe it would be useful. Have you ever heard of vampires named   
'Amilyn' or 'Angel'?"  
  
"Oh, Nick!" Natalie sighed with exasperation. "Those are fictional characters! I admit   
there are surface similarities between you and 'Angel,' but really - LaCroix is just   
stringing you along again. Get out of there, Nick. Please."  
  
His expression sobered. "A fictional character? I knew there had to be a catch. Thanks.   
Oh, and Nat...?"  
  
"What, Nick?"  
  
"I know I haven't said it before, but...I lo-"  
  
But Janette snatched the mobile away and cut the connection before he could complete   
that thought. "Time's up, Nicola."  
  
"Enough of your tricks, LaCroix," Nick said dismissively. "What did you think it would   
get you to lead me on with a fictional character?"  
  
"Nothing, except the excruciating delight of watching how gullible you are when your   
dreams are involved. I take it your final answer is 'd.'?"  
  
"Yes," Nick said, then caught his breath. After talking to Natalie, he'd resolved to walk   
away. She was right - if he really didn't want to be a vampire, he should be willing to   
accept any sacrifices that came along the way, even if that meant being treated like a   
carouche. "I mean, no!"  
  
"Too late, Nicholas," LaCroix tsked. "Once you choose a final answer, it's yours to keep.   
I'm afraid you are simply going to have to live with having eleven questions correct."  
  
"Fine," Nick bit out. "You want to throw this nonsense at me, go ahead. I'll make sure I   
answer the next question wrong. Then you have to let me go."  
  
"We shall see, Nicholas. We shall see..."  
  
Which of the following actors has played a vampire on the silver screen?:  
  
a. CHRISTIAN SLATERb. DAVID BOWIE  
  
c. JACK NICHOLSONd. DONALD SUTHERLAND   
  
Nick's shoulders drooped. It would have to be a movie question, and vampire movies   
were only his forte through 'Blacula.' They just didn't make them like that anymore. He   
consoled himself with the prospect that three out of the four answers were wrong. All he   
had to do was choose the actor that seemed the least likely. Nick knew in an instant   
which option he would pick. "David Bowie is known more for singing. Besides, he's   
blonde. No one ever casts blonde actors as vampires," Nick declared confidently.  
  
"So you wish to choose 'b'?" LaCroix asked slowly.  
  
"Yes."  
  
"You are sure?"  
  
"I'm sure it's wrong," Nick nodded. "'DAVID BOWIE' is my final answer."  
  
LaCroix began to laugh, his mirth seeming to almost pain him. "Oh, Nicholas..."  
  
Nick's expression closed at the first sign of LaCroix's amusement. "That's the right   
answer?"  
  
"David Bowie portrayed a vampire companion to Catherine Deneuve in the 1983 film   
'The Hunger,' although the rules of that universe fortunately differ somewhat from our   
own." LaCroix appeared amused by a new thought. "And they were *both* blonde."  
  
"That's it." Nick was fed up. "No more questions. I'm not playing anymore."  
  
"But you've reached the last level - don't you want to at least hear it?" Nick raised a hand   
and shook his head, but LaCroix progressed with reading the final question anyway.  
  
When is Natalie Lambert's birthday?:  
  
a. APRIL 14thb. JUNE 24th  
  
c. JUNE 11thd. NATALIE HAS TWO BIRTHDAYS   
  
"I'm not answering that, LaCroix. I don't care if that makes me a carouche to the   
Community. I'm leaving!"  
  
"I don't think that is really the issue at hand," LaCroix countered hypnotically. "I think   
the real reason you want to walk away is you simply don't know the answer to the   
question."  
  
"That's not it," Nick protested. "I do know when Natalie's birthday is." His brow   
furrowed in a familiar sign of indecision. "Well...I kind of do."  
  
"A-ha!" LaCroix said triumphantly. "So you don't know Doctor Lambert's birth date!"  
  
"It's...complicated," Nick hedged.  
  
"Really? One is born in one twenty-four hour period or another. How complicated could   
it be? Either you know the answer, or you do not."  
  
"But you see...that's just it." Nick leaned forward in his chair, this conundrum completely   
distracting him from the fact that not two minutes earlier, he had firmly resolved to refuse   
answering any more of these questions. "When I first met Natalie, her birthday was in the   
summer. Once, I forgot until Schanke pointed it out to me, and I clearly remember the   
date on the calendar was June 24th."  
  
"So you are saying that response 'b.' is Natalie's correct birthday," LaCroix followed.  
  
"No, not quite, because the last time she mentioned it, Natalie suddenly claimed her   
birthday is April 14th."  
  
"So you are saying that response 'a.' is Natalie's correct birthday."  
  
"No, I'm saying it's complicated." Nick sighed in defeat. "I'm saying you're right. I   
don't know when Nat's birthday is. I mean, June 11th? Whose birthday is June 11th? That   
means my final answer would have to be 'NATALIE HAS TWO BIRTHDAYS' but that   
doesn't make sense!"  
  
LaCroix began to clap, and the audience echoed thunderously. Black and red balloons   
and confetti rained down from the ceiling. "And yet the Powers That Be have made it   
so...Congratulations, Nicholas - you get to be a vampire!" The master vampire pulled out   
an extra goblet and poured Nick a glass full from the bottle that had been waiting on the   
marble-topped table.  
  
Nick took it from him. He needed a drink. Several, in fact.  
  
How was he going to explain to Natalie that his winning 'Who Wants To Be A   
Vampire?' was partially her fault?  
  
************************************************************  
So It's Forever Knight,  
But The End Of The Story  
  
  
  



End file.
